During one my stressful weeks, I suffered a little from an emotional breakdown. For a reason I didn’t know, I was just crying. Till I couldn’t keep it to myself, I decided to open-up to my sister. I told her that I hate myself sometimes. I told her that don’t understand why I push and pressure myself too much. I told her that most of the time, I always take things as a challenge. I told her that I am making everything a big deal, an opportunity and chance to be always better. Having the same questions and concerns about me, my sister did not provide me with answers. Instead, just told me to learn to loosen-up and take things lightly.
Till I thought of some theories by myself.
When I graduated from Prep, I got the award equivalent to the class valedictorian. I was so confident and proud that I was one of the most brilliant kids in our batch till I reached first grade. I can clearly remember the time when my mom went to school, talked to my adviser and found out that I have a below average IQ. At that time, having no idea of what it really is, it was just explained to me as “hindi ako ganoon katalino”. It was a major concern for my mother. For months, after school, I would have to devote time to answer brain puzzles and read books, lots and lots of them. That time, I did not completely understand why and how that test determined that I was below average despite being a top 2 student and winning quiz bees.
My brother and I had a lot of petty and even huge fights when we were kids. We would slap, punch, hit and even say the most hurting and offensive words to each other. His favorite was either ampon ako or bobo ako. It was repeatedly uttered to me for numerous times. He knew exactly my weakness. At the heat of our fight or argument, he would just say, “bobo ka kasi” and it’s over. Just like that, I would surrender and claim that again, I lose. I would lock myself in the room and just cry till my mom knocked telling me to stop.
Probably because of these two, at early age I have learned and even mastered the art of competing, not with others but with myself. I worked my way, I studied hard and I took school seriously. I graduated from elementary as top three of the batch and was given a scholarship grant in high school. Thinking that maybe, what I accomplished would prove that what the test revealed of me and what my brother labeled me as were all wrong.
One of my biggest frustrations was not passing the ACET. Both my siblings made it and graduated college from Ateneo. So when the results came, it slapped me so hard and I hit rock bottom. That time, nobody said exactly that failing the exam made me the least of us three. But still, I did not escape the fact that it was a chance to belittle myself again. I chose to go to UP at first, thinking that would be able to compensate not being able to make it to Ateneo. But being the confused kid who had no idea of what she wanted in life, I changed mind and went to DLSU. I took a chance in one of the hardest courses in that school. Yet at the end, a failure revealed that it’s not meant for me.
I thought again that these two failures caused me to work even harder in college. I would strive to get 4.0’s, be part of the dean’s list and win competitions. I would rather not sleep or take a rest just to study, finish a paper or even improve what I have already done. There was no room actually for pwede na as I always strive for the better.
Nobody pressures me, honestly, I pressure myself and I pushed myself so hard. I don’t want to think that if not all, most of the things I do are result of me always wanting to prove to myself and everyone else that I am far from what people once thought of me. I hate to think that I grew-up having the desire of proving oneself. I know that’s pretty pathetic. The truth is, my confident smart ass exterior lies a little kid who has always been insecure of her mental abilities.
Or maybe, it holds true for me that whatever happened in one’s childhood or somewhere in one’s younger years would have an impact to one’s future. Or maybe, just like Odysseus and Harry, they had scars not only to remind them of a tragic event happened in their lives but a reminder of being able to surpass them and being destined to wage more tests in the future. As for me, I had a fair share of scar too. Just the same, those scars do not define me but certainly helped me make who I am- person always wanting to strive for the best.
AAAAGGHHHH! Ayoko nang careerin ang life masyado. So Lord, teach me to let go and help me lighten-up.
Oh well, everyone has that drama element in life. And I have just shared mine. MMK lang ang peg!;)